Real Life Mom Moment.
I have something so very special to share with you all. What follows is a page out of my. youngest daughter’s journal. I watched her begin the practice of taking time with Jesus and journaling when she was young, maybe 14. She shared this with me so that I could share a real life example of slowing down with all of you. Her courage to be transparent is such a gift. Please know you are not alone. And just as He is for my sweet daughter, the mother of my precious grandsons (7, almost 5, and 2 1/2 months), Jesus is waiting for you. You were never meant to do this thing called motherhood alone.
A mother’s journal
Yesterday was a rough day. I woke already feeling overwhelmed and out of control. One kid was being mean to another. The other was screaming. The baby needed to be fed. And I felt defeated. I looked at my boys and saw every single one of my short comings magnified. Where did they learn to scream? Probably me. Where did they learn to belittle each other? Probably me. I felt like I had ruined them and there was no hope.
I came downstairs from feeding the baby and saw a picture my middle son had worked hard on crumbled up on the table. Investigating what happened, I quickly discovered that my oldest was the culprit. I asked him what happened and with a little digging discovered he was feeling jealous of his little brother getting a chart to work on his bedtime wakings. Pausing (only by the grace of God), I recognized that he’s often waking to find his little brother in Mom & Dad’s bed and he is feeling missed, and I felt like a failure. It didn’t help when Dad brought little brother home from an appointment where he got two new toys. The jealousy monster raged on in my oldest and I can’t say I helped him process it all or turn to Jesus.
How often do I correct him and it’s full of shame? The amount of times I yell, “You should know better!” And in the back of my head I hear these words spoken from a well meaning Instagram post, making me feel more hopeless and like I’m ruining my children, “Your children will never learn to emotionally regulate if you can’t model it for them.” Their example of emotional regulation is me, and some days like this one I feel constantly ready to blow. Is there any hope for them? Not only am I feeling like I’m ruining my children, but am I even pointing them to Jesus? In my failure and feelings of being completely overwhelmed - I am not showing them that I have a loving and faithful Father here to help. I either white knuckle it, detach, or worse- blame them for the feelings I have.
Waking up this morning, I was determined to do better. Not necessarily “white knuckle” it, but knowing I need Jesus. So, I promised myself, I would put my phone away and carve out time to journal and read his word. To sit and be present with him. And before I even sat down, God had brought this verse up twice in one morning. “For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who has been tempted in every way as we are, yet without sin. Therefore, let us approach the throne of grace with boldness, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.” Hebrews 4:15,16 CSB
A few things stood out to me immediately. If Jesus had been tempted in all ways andcan sympathize with my weakness- it means Jesus certainly felt overwhelmed. He wasn’t a stranger to feeling overwhelmed. If I feel overstimulated and overwhelmed meeting my three boys needs- imagine how Jesus must have felt walking the earth. People followed him everywhere. They were desperate for him. People begging to be healed everywhere he went. Everyone squeezing around just to hear his teaching. Everyone wanting to learn from him and be near him. People desperate to just touch the edge of his garment or climbing trees just to see him. If anyone can relate to feeling like everyone needs something from you, it's Jesus. But the one thing he modeled again and again and again was to get away and pray. To be alone with the Father. To quiet the noise and hear his voice. To rest in him.
A few verses early caught my eye.
“Therefore, a sabbath rest remains for God’s people. For the person who has entered his rest has rested from his own works, just as God did from his. Let us then make every effort to enter that rest. So that no one will fall into the same pattern of disobedience.” Hebrews 4:9-11 CSB
If I want to break the pattern, I need to rest in you. To be connected to the Father. Not to do more but I need my living source- I need Jesus. And the beauty is that I deserve death. He has every right to dismiss me from his presence. Berate me for getting it so wrong again. To remind me of all the ways Ive fallen short. But not only does he say, I can relate, but he gives me mercy and grace, that in my need he will help me. I find mercy- that even though I deserve punishment, I don’t receive any of it. I find grace- that instead of all the things I deserve, I’m lavished in love, acceptance, truth, forgiveness, identity as his daughter and that in my weaknesses he will help me. The best hope I have in motherhood is to stay connected to the Father. To slow down with him. To bring him my weaknesses.