Slowing Down.
Ok, the mama melt down just happened. Now what? How do we slow down, get curious, and listen to the wisdom of our bodies, helping us reduce these mama meltdown moments?
Let’s be real…our first instinct isn’t to slow down and get curious. We still feel the pounding of our hearts and the tension all over our bodies driving the justification that shifts responsibility for our meltdown to children and other outside circumstances. For me this is often followed by fear and shame. In both states, I’m clearing not in my window of tolerance, a place a calm and clarity. I’ve just gone from a state of fight in my anger to a state of fright in my fear, as my nervous system slows down and I begin to recognize what just happened. I’m in the same place Adam found himself in the garden in Genesis 3:10, hiding because I’m afraid. The critical part of me has started berating me with accusations of being a terrible mother (or Jaja, as my grandchildren call me). How do I get to a place of curiosity from here?
The mission statement of the Intentional Motherhood Retreat continues to linger in my mind and spirit; “The greatest gift we can give our children is our transforming self.” I am now able to realize this is an opportunity for transformation. I have been forever changed through my experience with Jesus as he prepared me to share at the Retreat, and through my experience with Jesus and many of you, those amazing 3 days. The rhythm of transformation is pursuing Jesus, getting to know him more and more through experiences with Him (Phil. 3:12). Recognizing my state of fear as I scan my body, I run to my Jesus as I find Him in 1 John 4:16-18 (TLB):
18 We need have no fear of someone who loves us perfectly; his perfect love for us eliminates all dread of what he might do to us. If we are afraid, it is for fear of what he might do to us and shows that we are not fully convinced that he really loves us. 19 So you see, our love for him comes as a result of his loving us first.
I need to experience Jesus’ perfect love in my place of fear. I have a choice. I can stay in hiding OR run to Him. He invites us to boast in our weakness that His power might be perfected in us (2 Corinthian 12:9). Jesus eagerly waits for us to come to Him in these moments. He longs to transform us with the lavish love of his forgiving mercy and the power of his transforming grace. “Jesus, what just happened? What is this about? Forgive me Jesus” (1 John 1:9).
Making time for yourself to have time of quiet alone with Jesus is a must! I know for busy moms this can sound impossible, depending on the ages of your children and the stage of life you’re in. I’m giving you permission and encouraging you to ask for what you need. Maybe it’s having your husband help get kids ready in the morning that you can have a few minutes with Jesus a few days a week, or the opposite, asking for help at bedtime or with baths. Maybe it’s trading with a friend, giving each other an hour or two once a month of quiet. This time is for you with Jesus, not to get one more thing done. Sit in a comfy chair, with a favorite warm drink, spend time in the scriptures connecting with Jesus, then get curious. Visit that last melt down moment.
I shared at the Retreat a process I use both personally and professionally referred to as a You-Turn. This process comes from the beautiful work of Dr. Allison Cook, and Kimberly Miller who have taken Dr. Richard Schwartz’s model of psychotherapy known as Internal Family System and integrated it with God’s Word. Here’s links for the You-Turn pdf, a You-Tube video of Kimberly Miller guiding this process, and a link for a personal example of a You-Turn I shared at the Intentional Motherhood Retreat.
Link video segment of me sharing example at Retreat
Experiencing the love and safety of Jesus in the way, helps us begin to make sense of why we over-react in anger, creating new insights that actually changes the structure of our brains, reducing the reactivity that drives our mama meltdowns. Transformation happens in the safety of being seen and soothed by Jesus. It’s the growing sense of safety with Jesus that reduces fear and helps us foster a secure attachment with Him. From this place of security with Jesus we can begin to engage with our children in new ways, seeing them the way Jesus sees them, beginning to make sense of the needs that are at the root of their behaviors (yes, the behaviors that makes us crazy).
We are then able to meet those needs, soothing them, creating safety and security in our connection with them. More to come on connecting with kids in new ways. For now, begin a practice of slowing down, being curious, inviting Jesus in, ask Him to help you understand and makes sense of what happening for you in the melt down moments. Try a You-Turn. I’m praying for you.